On Friday night more than a dozen Scouts were seen viciously attacking a space hopper in Caldecote.

Shocked neighbours described the scene. “I am sure I saw that space hopper bounced from one end of the field to the other” said one Caldecote resident. “As far as I could tell, the Scouts were showing no mercy. They were giving that poor space hopper a right what for.”

None of the Scouts were prepared to go on record, although one did remark “He was just asking for it. We’ve been learning at school about equal and opposite forces. When you kick that space hopper he absorbs the energy in a flash but then goes bouncing off for miles. If he’s there on the playground on a Friday after our physics lessons then I reckon he’s just asking for it. He shouldn’t have been there. It’s his own fault. He was gagging for it.”

The space hopper was unfortunately unavailable for comment but was said to be feeling a bit wobbly.

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If you have been affected by this article or are worried about a possible connection between advanced physics lessons and violence against space hoppers, we suggest you join our brand new campaign “save the space hoppers” and write to your local MP asking for an immediate revision to the schools’ national curriculum. We are campaigning for:

  • Space hoppers to be made available in all class rooms so that children can learn how to relate to them properly and without violence
  • Proper treatment of space hoppers to be covered in the relationships issues section of PSHE classes
  • References to space hoppers to be left out of physics lessons altogether. Either that or physics lessons to be left out altogether

Please join our campaign and make the world a better place for space hoppers.